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math and physics

• I'll do another Gaussian Distribution because they're so much fun!
• The impedence of the universe is 377 ohms.
• I'd like to know what I'm shooting for so I can more effectively doctor my math.
• Prof: "Our next experiment will be on coincidence."
  Sttudent, under breath: "It's fate."
• "And the symmetry looks like a pineapple upside down cake, with a hole cut in the middle."
  "Or a doughnut?"
  "Or a doughnut."
• We're among friends, so we're not going to worry about pluses and minuses.
• Prof hands out table of nuclear properties: "This has lead in it."
  Student, weighing paper in his hands: "This is pretty light for lead."
• Do you have a meter stick that's about a foot long?
• Since when are geraniums radioactive?
• Let's do a culinary cross-section!
• According to our chart, it doesn't matter how tall you are - you're 160 pounds.
• [weeks later, with a different chart] According to our diagram, you weigh less as you get taller.
• Well, it can't, by conservation of something or other.
• Prof: [referring to a square] So, we can all agree that this is 2-dimensional.
  Student: I see three dimensions.
  Prof: Okay, where is the third dimension?
  Student: In my mind, man!
• [solving (-10)(0.5)+(-1)(-4)+10] That's 11, or 14...or maybe 9!
• I can do calculus, but I can't do arithmetic.
• Everything from nucleons on up and down is a simple harmonic oscillator, because in that case you have a fighting chance of solving the problem.
• If nature contradicts you, I don't care how elegant your math is - you're wrong!
• I want to talk about the curl of a vector now. I really really do.
• The notation lies!
• Electrons act like cockroaches.
• So many of you use trig functions like it's black magic.
• If it's green and wiggly, it's Biology. If it stinks, it's Chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.
• Which cartesian coordinate system will work for this problem?
• Rho, rho, rho your boat...
• If you want a quick Nobel prize, run out to K-Mart and get a magnetic monopole.
• Prof: "So why do the electrons in the TV need to be going so fast?"
  Student: "Well, to make up for the effects of any weird magnetic fields."
  Prof: "Are there any weird magnetic fields around the TV?"
  Student: "Uh...no, I guess not."
  Prof: "What about the Earth?"
  Student: "Yeah, that would be a weird magnetic field."
• Now we will proceed to play fun algebra games. Well, it's not really algebra, it's really vector calculus, but you know what I mean.
• [after describing a truly nasty accident while working at a rodeo] ...and it was still much less painful than Electromagnetic Theory.
• I picture mu's as little mice. They so easily get lost in an equation. No, really, they run all over the blackboard.
• With these equations, you should be at a point where you can solve Physics.
• I haven't said where the Green Function comes from. I've postulated St. Peter walking in and handing it to you. We should be so lucky.
• Your assignment for spring break is to at least once think kindly of spherical harmonics.
• So if you are stuck in Iceland surrounded by a pack of rabid wolves and you need associated Legendre polynomials, you can derive them!
• Sinhs are what happen when you've been evil.
• And you look at this equation and say, "Yech, blecch," much like toddlers when they get spinach.
• 0.1 microseconds. That's half the afternoon!
• This is why Physics is truly the queen of the sciences.

computers and electronics

• What Intel gives, Microsoft taketh away.
• Global variables are your friend!
• Prof: "Stuff from Microsoft sucks. That's a technical term."
  Student: "So why are we using Microsoft Visual C++?"
  Prof: "Because Borland sucks worse!"
• You'd need a lot of computing whoopie that we don't have.
• Nothing is perfect, except my programs.
• The Vax looks like a washing machine.
• I got it off the web two days ago, so it's probably still pretty current.
• There is no spelunking in boolean algebra.
• If you're really good at wiring, you can make an exclusive maybe.
• Use a flip-flap! (Is that like flapjacks?)
• 2B || !2B == boolean Shakespeare
• Make it out of nand gates. I dare you.
• Yeah, I'm in hardware. We don't know anything.
• This is under the category of "you too can have fun with Excel."
• [holding up a floppy disk] This CD you can write on many times. Some CDs you can't.
• Poor guy. He's got a PhD in Computer Science, and can't figure out Windows Paint.
• Prof: How fast does this animation have to go? 30 frames per minute is sufficient.
  Student: Per second.
  Prof: Per second. 30 frames per minute is not sufficient.
• And like most computer generated images, this image looks pretty...computer generated.
• The purpose of animation is to display a moving object. Uh, I guess most of you are familiar with that idea.
• Prof: "I need to discharge this. What will happen if I put my fingers across it?"
  Student: "It will discharge."
• The idea is to make the user easier to use.
• Aimed for the silo, hit the spare tire.
• Turn it in while it still works!

history and society

• Lincoln's farewell address: "Ow, that smarts!"
• We have no knowledge of relativity. We're back in Civil War times. You'll notice my hoop skirt.
• If we have trouble, we'll just make an institute!
• CBA IRTs, where the C stands for CMM. Hmm. We have nested acronyms here.
• Tunnels of Doom is like D&D for weenies.
• Don't know which way is West? Blame it on Daylight Savings!

philosophy

• The id is a little furry beast inside all of us.
• A great oxymoron: sophisticated Hoosier.
• Which way do you go? The answer is yes.
• Muncie is never the right answer.
• What the heck is a chair?
• Okay. Now you know why the sky is blue, why sunsets are red, and why clouds are white. We're in business.
• I'm not always right, but I'm always certain.
• We can't have humor on Wednesdays.
• You can take the peanut butter and spread it on your bread, but if I give you one peanut and tell you to spread it on your bread, where does it go?
• Is that a question or a pen?
• And all of you, good students that you are, are politely nodding your heads and saying, "Yes, that's a good idea!" when actually it's intellectual nonsense.
• This is a minuet. I'm going through a formal dance that is completely divorced from anything practical.
• And so I am really handicapped by a residual honesty.
• And now it says in my notes, "It is not obvious why anyone in their right mind would want to do this."
• It's not bad, it's just absolutely insufferable.
• We take the union of a sphere and a cube and we get...a cancerous block.
• It's a waste of our time if you don't understand.
• My favorite example to use is sex.
• If you haven't seen this before, it will be a good review.
• Just push the holes out of the way.
• It can be overwhelming, but we're only going to be whelmed.

assorted classroom shenanigans

• Oh! Another project! Something to do with all our spare time, like while waiting for the toaster to pop up.
• Questions? Comments? Shrieks of anguish?
• Ok, before the class degenerates into a brawl, let me talk about the test.
• Part of the course requirements is to read the instructor's mind.
• In this case we're trying to make everything as general as possible, for maximum confusion.
• When a class starts booing, you know you're in trouble.
• This "thing," whose form is very familiar, unless you haven't seen it before, in which case you react like you saw a dinosaur hatch under a chicken.
• Too much pot smoking in the back row!
• Yes, if you program 24 hours a day for three weeks you might get this project done on time.
• I hereby renounce my literacy!

scandalous

• Jesus is a communist.
• T.S. Elliot's Wasteland is mental masturbation.
• We had the most violent homework problems: the monkeys always hung themselves, the pilot always died, the plane always blew up.
• It's so pink, it's like Barbie threw a party and everybody vomited.
• [speaking about homework, I swear] I asked Richard about it and he told me to do some things I wasn't comfortable with.
• Prof: We need stimulated emission.
  Student: I hear that.